Minecraft 1.14 Changelog

No one:

Jeb: hey guys i released a new minecraft update

Minecraft 1.14 just came out, to exactly no one's excitement seeing as it's the 2,376,197,563,183,469,151,634st major update to be released since 1.0. This update is nicknamed the "Village and Pillage" update, with the "Pillage" part being Jeb looting Minecraft for money and leaving a smoldering wreck behind. Features include:
Composters, which are suspiciously similar to barrels from the ex nihilo mod. Jeb insists this is a "complete coincidence", and that he was only looking over the shoulder of the mod's developer to "help him find grammatical errors". This story was collaborated by three pages of code from the mod which were sticking out of Jeb's back pocket.

Campfires, because Jeb forgot netherrack exists.

Blast furnaces, which only smelt stone and ores, but do it twice as fast, because minecraft needs more pointless complexity.

Grindstones, which finally add a way to remove enchantments from items after about 6 years.

Smokers, a new furnace variant that gives your character the "lung cancer" status effect upon use.

Crossbows, which are like bows but angry.

Cats are no longer tamed ocelots, but a unique mob. Dogs are no longer tamed wolves, but a unique mob. Golems are no longer constructed from blocks, but a unique mob. Zombie villagers are no longer villagers killed by zombies, but a unique mob. Baby animals are no longer younger versions of their parent mobs, but a unique mob. Monster spawner- you get the idea. They all use pig spawn eggs though.

Cats also drop string, because apparently they spin webs or knit or something.

Foxes, which, being a cool new mob which players will undoubtedly want to see, are automatically killed by wolves.

Speaking of wolves, they now automatically attack literally every mob in the game as well as the player and some blocks. Jeb says this is to be more "realistic" and create a sort of ecosystem in which all mobs except for wolves are made extinct. They are also now referred to in the game's code as "Cujo".

A new variant of mooshrooms, which not only do almost nothing useful, but are near impossible to find as they require finding normal mooshrooms to begin with. When asked what they contributed to the game, Jeb shrugged noncomittally and said, "They're, like, cool or something?? I dunno".

Jeb has revealed via twitter that steve, the player character, is canonically gay. Also alex is transgender the enderdragon is a furry and herobrine is a single mother.

Pandas, which drop bamboo when killed, because everyone knows that pandas are made of bamboo and polar bears are made of fish and cats are made of string and Jeb doesn't have a clue what he's doing. Additionally, baby pandas will sometimes sneeze slimeballs, because i guess Jeb decided the game wasn't gross enough. You can also breed them(the pandas, not slimeballs), and of course the bred mob is not in fact a "baby panda" but a unique mob(which can be spawned with a bamboo spawn egg).

Illagers, pillagers, and ravagers, which are yet another mob that attacks villages because they weren't helpless and difficult to keep alive enough already. Also wolves attack villagers now too, of course.

A new wandering trader villager, which spawns in random parts of the world with a pet llama. They sell exotic variants of dirt for the low low price of 64 diamonds, but DON'T ANSWER YET! Order now and you'll receive a FREE piece of flint!

There is now an entire event based around defending villages, which as we all know is everyone's favorite pastime in minecraft.

Speaking of villagers, village mechanics are so confusing now that tarn and zach adams, the creators of dwarf fortress, got two pages in to an explanation of their mechanics before screaming in pain and needing to be hospitalized. Sethbling isn't even going to try to understand it.

Ink sacs can no longer be used as dye, which was literally the entire reason Jeb added squids in the first place. As a result, Jeb has decreed squids "Obsolete", and they have all been summarily executed with TNT, which by the way now drops all the blocks it blows up.

Iron Golems will now only spawn in villages when villagers have a meeting, but only if they've worked and slept before a meeting, but you also need a certain number of villagers, and iron farms are now broken because oh no the room is spinning please send help

This was likely added because Jeb felt that golems spawned too often and made it too easy to defend villages.

All references to Notch were removed, either because jeb wanted to take all the credit, or, more likely, because notch didn't want to be associated with this train wreck. 

Leaves now drop sticks, causing players' inventories to be roughly 99% sticks and 1% also sticks. The amount of stick is so high, in fact, that they are spreading across the landscape, consuming everything in their path. The end is near. The sticks have won. It's all going dark.