I had an out of body experience recently.
Specifically, there was something that I wanted to get out of my body.
Now, I like yogurt. I always have. And recently, I found a new brand of yogurt that is absolutely awesome. Yoplait, specifically the tall, thin, round ones. Raspberry, vanilla, blueberry, they're all delicious.
ALMOST all of them.
So when I told my mom I liked them, she decided to get more, which was great. However, she also threw in two unique flavors: Boston cream pie and cookies and cream.
Now, if you don't know much about yogurt, 99% of it is flavored like fruit. I think it's legally required in most states. The only exception is vanilla, which might actually count as a fruit, I don't know and I don't care enough to look it up.
Anyway, neither boston cream pie nor cookies and cream are traditional yogurt flavors. It's like marmite flavored doritos, or chocolate jelly.
So I tried them.
And immediately lost the will to live.
The flavors were allegedly boston cream pie and cookies and cream, but it ended up more like boston COW pie and cookies and SCREAM. This was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life, and that's not hyperbole. I literally cannot remember tasting anything that even comes close to tasting this bad. It was like all my tastebuds were being stabbed by satan himself. If suicidal depression was a flavor, this is what it would taste like, although I suspect the depression would actually be a bit better.
All I did was lick the lid and immediately regretted it. These yogurts tasted like they had gone bad. Twice. Like, they went bad, and then whatever caused them to go bad went bad. I literally drank orange juice and brushed my teeth because it was THAT BAD. I literally had an existential crisis a few days before and the yogurt was still the worst part of my week. It wasn't even close.
This yogurt was SOOOO bad...
Audience: HOW BAD WAS IT?
This yogurt was so bad it's banned by the geneva convention!
(canned laughter)
This yogurt was so bad it's banned in 57 countries!
(more canned laughter)
This yogurt was so bad they pulled it from the menu in hell because it was considered too inhumane!
(yet more canned laughter)
This yogurt was so bad I'd lick a public toilet to get the taste out of my mouth!
(canned laughter quickly cut off by sounds of disgust)
To drive my point home further, I'm going to call this yogurt gross in 12 different languages.
Super gross(english)
とてもすごくまずいよ/Totemo sugoku mazui yo(japanese)
Bruto/bruta(spanish)
إجمالي/'iijmaliun(arabic)
总的/總的/Zǒng de(chinese)
역겨운/yeoggyeoun(korean)
דוחה(arabic, no transliteration available)
Gröblich(german)
សរុប/saroub(khmer)
सकल(sanskrit, no transliteration available)
စုစုပေါင်း/hcuhcupaungg(myanmar[burmese], symbols don't work)
gruamach(scots gaelic)
Even after only licking the lids, drinking orange juice, brushing my teeth, and eating a bowl of chips, I still couldn't get the taste out of my mouth. The only thing that worked was literally washing my mouth out with soap. And even after that, the taste lingered in my memory for several days afterward and I gagged every time I thought of it.
Words fail to describe how bad this yogurt tasted. God stays in heaven because he's afraid of this yogurt. Someday, humanity will have to pay for it's sins, and this yogurt is at the top of the list. Pray you never have the misfortune to stumble across this yogurt. If someone forced me to choose between eating this yogurt and blowing up an orphanage, I'm sure the orphans would understand.
You know how in H.P Lovecraft's books, people are driven mad by knowledge man was not meant to know? This is probably what that tastes like. You will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the yogurt touches your lips. Part of my soul died that day, and I will never get it back.
...Did I mention it was gross?
